Abyss Gazing

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
gayspock
beesmygod

you gotta learn how the internet works on a basic level so that you do not get your shit rocked because of how you assumed things work. lets start with history. ada lovelace invented computers in 18whatever so she could show everyone her dad’s cringe poem he wrote during his divorce. nothing happened until 1970 when computer perverts from a university dorm created the internet during a failed attempt to turn a doll into the perfect virtual woman. in 2016 the internet invented hell on earth. i hope you learned something today

poetic----nonsense
copperbadge

I have somehow become the arbiter of cool at my job.

I am not cool and I make no pretense to be cool, but somehow I’m the one my colleagues draw on for coolness points, and they fear my scorn.

“You’ll laugh when I tell you,” my boss said sheepishly when I asked him if he had weekend plans. “I’m taking my son to WWE. He just really loves it.”

“Oh shit, I watched wrestling all the time when I was writing my thesis! It’s such a great soap opera!” I said.

“Yes, exactly! That’s why we love it!” He replied. Note: we.

“That’s cool though,” I told him. Who could laugh at a guy bonding with his kid over something they both love?

Things I have deemed cool for my colleagues and seen their faces light up over include:

  • Secretly watching your kid eat lunch over the “kid cams” at their daycare during a meeting
  • Belonging to a novelty marching band (kazoo and drum corp)
  • Helping a daughter repair her stuffed toys (tough to be a middle aged straight man admitting he can sew, apparently)
  • Romance novels
  • Not understanding Twitter (“But it’s cool not to be on Twitter now.” “It is?!”)
  • Every single new hairdo I have noticed and complimented. Especially the women who think they’re too old for undercuts. 

I don’t even think it’s that anyone at work thinks I’m especially hip. I think it’s just that adults never get told they’re cool when they talk about the secret things that make them interesting, and people are now aware I will do that openly.

Also I feel like a few of them are still impressed I know what dressage is. I’m not sure why. None of us ride horses.

hubblegleeflower

People are starved. They expect you to think the harmless things they love are stupid or at best unremarkable. Instead you speak of those tjings as though they are lovely (which they are) and the people as though their loves make them special (which they DO). They are not used to being thought special, and have not dared to think of their little joys as having any value at all. You see it, and admire it, and hand it back to them and they see that it is treasure after all.

bioethicists
captainjonnitkessler

Tumblr Blaze is very good because tumblr correctly deduced that if they ran a real advertising service using targeted demographics we’d have burnt this site to the ground, but ALSO correctly deduced that we would be overjoyed to collectively pay large amounts of money to spread shitposts onto completely random dashes in a delighted flurry of slightly malicious mischief. You really do gotta hand it to em on this one, A+ problem solving.

ginger-beer-bear

image

Incredible content brought to MY DASH with OTHER PEOPLE’S money? Yeah, I’ll support that

tsukinoinaba

we kept asking to be able to reblog insane ads. now the ads are just insane blog posts. cut out the middle man.

somuchbetterthanthat

Emergency cleaning: Unfuck your whole house in the shortest time possible

unfuckyourhabitat

So, your landlord/parent/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.

  • Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.
  • Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.
  • Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.
  • Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.
  • Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.
  • Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.
  • Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.
  • Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.
  • Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!
  • Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.
  • Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.
  • Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.
  • Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
  • Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.
  • Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.
  • If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.
  • Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.
  • It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.
  • Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.

You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.

Why are you still here? GO. START. NOW.